How Do You Like Your Running?

My first experience as a runner was my freshman year of high school when I joined the cross country team.  Before then I would run random races that my grandfather entered me in or I'd race kids at recess to see who was the fastest but I didn't truly define myself as a runner until I discovered what it was like to feel like running was part of me.  For the first time in my life I felt like I was doing something that I was born to do.  Running filled a part of me that had never been filled.

For the next eight years I ran competitively on the track and cross country teams in high school and college.  I knew I loved to run and running helped keep me balanced and focused on my goals.  It was a way for me to release stress, deal with the emotional changes that came from adolescence, and feel centered and  in control when everything else in my life seemed the opposite.  Although I loved running and how it made me feel, it started to feel more like work.  Being on a team, having practice every day, and racing every weekend made me feel more stressed than anything.  Running became more of an obligation than a joy, and with it came the pressure to perform and live up to something I wasn't emotionally prepared for.  I felt like I always had a nervous ball in in my stomach during track and cross country season.  Every track workout felt like something I wanted to get over with instead of something I looked forward to.  I felt sick the night before races and that nervous feeling and dread continued until the race was over.  I never got into a groove where my emotional level matched my physical level.  Because of everything I was working through in life, I wasn't able to let my mind go and perform like I wanted to.  Running became a chore.  A way to pay for school.  Something on a to-do list.  Every race down was a relief until the next one came.  I hated the competition...with myself, my teammates, and the runners I raced against. 

After college is when I truly discovered what it felt to run because I wanted to.  It was the first time that I ran for ME!  I ran because I felt alive and happy.  I ran against nobody but myself.  I ran because I wanted to.  I raced because it was fun.  I found running to be an almost spiritual experience.  Some days when I'd go out in Forest Park for a long run by myself, I would feel like I was in a prayer.  It was the best form of therapy I could find.  I was finally at a place where I had worked through so much of the emotional baggage that I carried for so long.  I loved myself and my life. Finally, running was simply something I did for JOY!  I began running the times I had never been able to push myself to do before.  I was easing past barriers that I didn't know I could reach and I did it with effortlessness. 

Running is something I enjoy doing alone.  I prefer to run in solitude rather than with a pack or a running partner.  I love being alone on the road, feeling the wind in my hair, feeling my heart beat, hearing my breath and listening to what my heart and mind have to tell me.  I love the time it gives me to process my life, connect with God, let go of pain and stress and come back to myself. 

My preference to run alone may come across to some as me being a running snob. I hope not. I'm not entirely a solo runner.   Even though I much prefer to train alone, there are also times I enjoy running with a partner.  This is true especially on really long runs when I'm training for a marathon and I will practically beg my friend Jen to come keep me company to make the miles pass by. 

 Having my husband train with me when I was running my first and second marathons was wonderful too.  We eventually grew to be perfect running partners.  He knew just what gave me strength and what took energy away.  I became used to his breathing and stride and I enjoyed every run with him.  And then kids came.  Now I don't always have the choice of running alone.  Many of my runs are with a double jogger and little girl on a bike leading the way. 

 The past few days, I've been reflecting on why this preference for solitude is.  Do other runners feel this way too?  I think a huge part of my desire to train alone most of the time is because of the emotional memories I associate with training competitively for eight years.  I think I'm scared to feel like running is a chore again.  I'm scared of feeling nervous before every practice and feeling pressure to perform.  I know that things have changed since then.  I'm not the same person.  Perhaps running with a group or finding a compatible partner  to train regularly with would be good for my growth as an athlete.  In fact, I'm considering joining Team Athena, a woman's running club here in Portland.  I think getting out of my solo running sometimes will push me a bit.  Will it change my preference for training alone?  Perhaps.  Only time will tell. 

What about you?  How do you like your running?

Amanda