Something Has Got to Give

I'm mostly using this blog today as a journal for myself.  Perfectly understandable if you take one look at this long mass of writing with no pictures and leave.  This one is for me.  All me.  I'm the main audience with this piece of writing.  A way to get my thoughts out and process some of the struggles and feelings I'm having right now.  Not intended to be anything more than my random thoughts that are heavy on my heart this morning.

*  Self- Confidence/ Self-Worth. When did it happen that I've lost touch with believing in my "Awesomeness"?!  Seriously, a few years ago I was so full of confidence.  I felt like I was an extraordinary teacher, mother, and wife.  I wasn't cocky.  Just very self-fulfilled and felt "on top of my game"!  I wasn't always like this in life.  In fact, it took years of hard word to get there and to truly be HAPPY and let the past go.  But lately, I'm constantly sending messages to myself that "I'm not good enough" or that "I can do so much better!"  This has got to stop.  Today.  And it will.  If there is one thing about me that I feel I'm the best at in my life it is that I've got some MAD self-reflection skillz and I usually don't let myself get too far down a destructive path until I pull my head out of my ass and get things back on track.  So that starts now.  Right after this purge.

*  Reactive Parenting.  I know I don't want to be a reactive parent.  I mean we all react in some ways.  How can you not?  And I don't want to be one of those parents that only shows their children how to be perfect but not what it means to be a REAL human.  But I don't want to react so much out of frustration and anger.  Note to self: READ some parenting books!  For crying out loud, I read so much about running, teaching, diet, etc.  But really, Parenting should be at the top of my list if I'm choosing to do this gig full time.

*  Spread Thin. Staying home with my kids has become increasingly harder.  I feel so spread thin these days but yet at the same time I feel like I'm accomplishing nothing of any significance.  But I am...I'm raising kids here! But not so well these days.  Okay, scratch that...there is that negative thought again.  I am doing a good job but there is always room for improvement and by telling my kids that I'm working on A, B and C, I'm showing them that we all have goals and have to work hard to be good at something.

*  Fighting and reacting to each other!  My kids Fight SO bad these days.  Pay back time...yes Mom, I know.  My brothers and I were HORRIBLE!!!  I deserve every moment I'm sure.  I've got to find a better way of dealing with their fighting so A. I don't lose myself.  B.  I don't model poor reactions for them so that they just continue to react to each other poorly. and C.  Walk away until I can get control of my emotions so that I can be the ADULT and not one of the kids.

*  Skinny.  I don't want to be skinny.  I wan to be strong.  Somewhere along this marathon training, my muscle jumped ship.  My tone and buff arms have turned into sticks.  This doesn't make me feel healthy.  My pictures yesterday (Granted the angle of the pics made my legs look way smaller than they are) in my giveaway made me feel extremely self-conscious at how skinny I feel that I look (not in a good way).  And no, I am NOT looking for compliments or ego stroking here...please don't.  I'm just expressing how I'm feeing.

* Food.  I'm not eating enough.  I'm just not.  Half the days I end up going without lunch because I've been pulled in too many directions by my kids.  "mom, do this!"  "Mommy, I need you!"  "Mom, I'm done!  May I have water please?" and then I see the clock and realize it is time for kindergarten and running out the door for preschool and then nap for my son and then by that time I think about eating but instead I sit down and take a breath.  Really, it is just that my mind is going so fast that I don't slow down enough to just think and get my priorities straight.  I must eat.  Lots!  This is my FUEL for training!!  Even if it means keeping almonds on the counter so that I can snack throughout the day.  Protein.  I need more.  I just have not been thinking lately and I have let this slip.  Don't get me wrong, I eat a ton still but not enough high protein/quality stuff that I was eating at the start of this training.

*  Strength Training.  Somewhere along the road of marathon training, I stopped doing my strength training and yoga.  Probably why I've lost so much muscle and my pants are falling off of me.  Booo!  Must start making time for Jillian and Yoga again.  I want my muscle back.  I don't want to be some skinny minnie!  Thankfully my muscle memory is AWESOME and I'll get it back quick as soon as I start doing these things again.

*  Injury? My body feels like it is falling apart.  Seriously.  I'm tired.  My legs don't feel the same.  I'm run down.  After my 20 miles on Sunday, my "mojo" and self confidence may have returned but my body/physical strength did not come with it.  I have only run one 4- mile run since.  I am not running until my body gives me further notice.  I think I strained something in my groin area.  I feel it mostly at night or when I'm moving after sitting still for awhile.  When I lift my leg to get into bed at night, it hurts so bad!  Not just soreness from running like I originally thought.

*  No Half-Marathon for me?  I've been looking forward to the Hippie Chick Half Marathon this Sunday for sooo long!  I had hoped this would be one of my best races.  A great course, a great day, family coming to watch, all-women event....  It still might but if it is Thursday and I'm still hurting with whatever this is, I don't know if it would be wise for me to run on Sunday.  I have to keep my eye on the main goal and that is my June Marathon.

*  Outlook.  The way we see our life is so powerful.  We choose our lenses that we view our life through.  Thankful for this!  Thankful for reflection and moments of stepping back so I can keep stepping forward on a path that I want for my life.  Thankful that we don't have to be victims and let life happen to us but we have so much power in how we live.  With intention and positive outlook!  So, instead of focusing on what I'm not doing right and how I'm feeling like a failure, I will be working on focusing on what I'm doing right and what things I need to be taking to feel success.

*  Writing Festival.  I am leading a workshop at a writing festival this Saturday.  It is a Festival for students from grades 4 to 12 all over Oregon.  They get to hear guest authors, go to workshops about writing, talk about their writing, etc.  I love this day.  It is fun to be a part of but usually I am way more prepared.  In the past I've always done a similar workshop but this year I decided to change it up a bit.  I didn't write a proposal this year because the organizer said he "trusted" me.  Ha!  the pressure.  I almost wish I would have had to turn in my proposal early because I don't have anything nailed down yet on paper.  But it is in my head!  This will be fun!  It will be all about developing character in fictional writing and elements to effective story writing.

*  Pampering and Self-Care. And at the end of this long ramble, I'm off to prepare for a day just for me.  My husband has me scheduled for a massage, facial and hair cut today.  Hoping that this is a full recharge for me.  Thank you honey!

Amanda